I'm suppose to be sleeping already, but I cannot sleep. Maybe it was the coffee I had not long ago. Why did I drink coffee? I ask that question myself too. Because I thought would stay up later than usual, I wanted to keep myself awake after 10pm. But nothing happened, I drank coffee for nothing.I am angry, so angry that I'm nearly going mad. I can't even blame anyone beside myself. Cannot cry or yell out loud make it worse for me. There is something in my chest, and I cannot get it out. Feels like I'm going to explode.

I hate myself for hurting myself, I hate myself for made it happened, I hate myself for not stopping it, I hate myself for this mistake. It's not other people's fault but my own.

I know what I have to do, but I don't want to do it, I cannot do it either. Not now. I'm addicted, maybe deeper than I thought.